Do you love being a mother?

I think there are women in the world who adore being a mother. It’s their calling and they’re good at it. That’s not to say they don’t have bad days but overall they love being a mom at the end of the day.

I recently was asked “Do you love being a mom?”. Even though I replied no quickly and had reasons I think it can kind of be off putting hearing those words from a mom. So here’s my reason.

Anyone who sees me and spends time with me and my daughter KNOWS that every breath I take at this point is for her. I struggled with my mental health since I was a child. I probably shouldn’t be here. I look at my daughter though and I just literally can’t imagine leaving her here. This world so cold and she deserves a safe space. Me. Forever. So as long as I breathe she will have that.

On the other hand I do not enjoy having to constantly worry and take care of another human being. Before now my choices only affected me and if I decided to let life swallow me whole that only hurt me. Now everything I do matters and affects my child. Whereas before I could starve for days because it’s just me (yes that’s not healthy) but NOW? I have to get up everyday and make sure that there are three healthy meals and snacks in between. Because of course I don’t want to feed her fast food and processed shit so now I’m really having to adapt even though I myself don’t eat it, but again if I don’t feel like cooking I just starve. You can’t do that with a child. Or how I have to schedule doctors visits and keep up with them when you already have a therapist, psych, primary, gyno, heart doctor and whatever else of your own to keep up with. If you have multiple kids that’s a crazy amount of people to keep up with. Tending to you and your child/children’s hygiene on a daily basis. And I mean all aspects of hygiene and upkeep. Having someone touch on you for the 100th time even though you’re so over stimulated you’re falling apart. You have to show someone how to manage their emotions and most of us don’t even have our own in check. So you’re battling with your own mental health which can be harder when you have to deal with the stresses of a child. You have to make sure you’re actively teaching your child how to be a decent human being and the things they need to know in order to succeed in life. Like you are responsible for the type of human being you let out into the world. This is literally top hardest jobs of all time and if you fail or mess up that affects your child for the rest of their lives.

There are some people who may enjoy doing this but I think more women should be allowed to say I don’t fucking enjoy this. Because yes our kids are the light of our lives but that doesn’t mean we have to enjoy the process. Despite not enjoying it I do feel there are ways to make it bearable and loving and being loved on by your child is definitely one of the number one ways for me that’s made it bearable. One of my top goals in parenting Sina is that I don’t want her to need therapy for the childhood she experienced with me.

Never in my life has anyone lit up the way Sina does when she sees me. My mom says all the time “she needs her momma” and that literally gives me butterflies. You need me? You want me? You literally crave my energy? The electricity that surges through my body when we hug, smile at or kiss each other is refreshing and so peaceful. I may not love motherhood but I absolutely adore my daughter.