Coparenting W/ Your Abuser

One of the biggest things I struggled with when dealing with my abuser is coparenting. I let the abuse continue not only because I thought it’d end but because I wanted my daughter's father to be a part of her life and be a part of all those core memories we speak of…

 Yet, every time, over the course of almost three years, that I would try to give him the chance to be the coparent my daughter needs he would prove to me why I should’ve never let him back in. Countless times I believed the lies of the financial and physical help but was left to spiral because I was doing everything alone although there was another body with me. It wasn’t enough that I was still being verbally/physically abused but he also made parenting a hundred times harder than it needed to be.

 I was the primary parent left to deal with EVERYTHING from the moment we had her. I thought doctors, finding schools, therapists, expenses (etc) was a joint job but that quickly became only MY responsibility. I struggled taking care of myself and my child so I mostly focused on only taking care of her which left me with little to nothing to give to myself. With that being said, when he would physically, mentally, emotionally or financially abuse me I would fall apart to the point of having a manic episode. I would be incapable of caring for my daughter in those moments but thankfully my mom was a means of some support at this time. I also was very dedicated to my mental health journey so I’ve spent the last couple of years in and out of the psychward in moments of complete psychosis because of my situation. And though I was aware of the situation I had allowed myself to swim in, I wanted no more than to enable myself to choose better not only for me but for her as difficult as it may be.  

These moments did not let up and I had to wonder why I let him continuously shift my world when I was the one who was caring for our child. How could I continue this pattern and really be the mother she needed if I had to continuously rebuild myself on top of the things I was mentally dealing with already coupled with my neurodivergence? I simply couldn’t. 

I would continually try to incorporate him at the detriment of my mental health but nothing was ever good enough. One time I let him watch her for the second week of christmas break because he’d been begging me and saying I refused to leave her with him for long periods of time.

 Against my better judgement I obliged his request but the outcome was exactly what I expected. He wanted to work a “gig” to give me the money but I never saw the funds when he would say this. I refused because I had my own plans to put money in my pocket. This enraged him and he accused me of trying to stop him from providing for his child. It ended with him threatening to leave her with someone we deemed wasn’t a safe space for her but also an individual who had NO knowledge of our child and her needs, nor was she used to this person. The fact that he could threaten to do that to our child because he felt I should shift my schedule to watch her, despite begging for time with her for months, was honestly terrifying to me. It was a long while before I let him watch her again after that and it wasn’t for an extended period either. I was always left to figure out how to work, have a life and simply exist with a child 24/7 but my abuser expected unending help but there was never any reciprocity. Everything constantly fell on me to handle and that was debilitating because fatherhood was something he longed for while I only had a child out of mania and delusion. While I loved her, I felt if I was sacrificing while also taking the abuse, why was I continuously allowing this?

What put the nail in the coffin for me is the attempts to kill me (regardless if he said he didn’t, I have witnesses with their own trauma from attempting to protect and/or remove me from this situation). The attempts didn’t stop and they got worse with each physical altercation. My therapist had to make me realize that just because he stopped choking me before I lost consciousness does not negate the fact that he is capable of killing me. These attempts, along with others, happened with our children in the home. The last time I let him back in our lives it was only a couple weeks before he beat me again and I was left realizing that I was manipulated yet again. He had not changed like I had thought or hoped. I had to realize that if her father was willing to pull weapons on me, and physically harm me almost three years into having her, then I had to let go of this thought that things would change and that he could be a safe parent for my daughter. 

People have ridiculed me and called me bitter in his defense but I don’t think bitterness has anything to do with it. Just look at the articles/stistics on the affects of abusers and the children involved. Your abuser will move onto other women and whether they physically, mentally, financially or emotionally abuse the next woman your child will see that. Your child will begin to associate that with the “norm”. Or you could have a situation where the next abused woman grows resentment towards your child's father and begins to take it out on you. My child’s father has also proven to be a man who lives off of the women around him. Confirmed by more women than just me and not just women of romantic nature, but platonic as well. Overall financial abuser and user.

 I also do not want my daughter to think it is ok that every person we date is introduced to her. There should be discernment and there isn’t on his end. Yet when things happen to children in these various situations it’s always asked “Why wasn’t the mom protecting them?” So that’s what I’m doing.

Either situation feels like a lose lose though. Yeah she’s safe with me but I take no pride in watching her hurt over her father’s absence. That man was her sun and moon just like I am and I want her to have that. I realize though that the in and out is not good for either of us. So when the time comes and my abuser is ready to go to coparenting therapy I’ll be ready. I want to believe that despite the absolute horror I experienced at his hands that that won’t always be him. I also realize that I may have to accept that this will always be our reality. 

So I say all this to say that if you are questioning your decision to keep your child from your abuser, don’t. Someone who is safe for your child would never harm you in such a way or even attempt to kill you. They also won’t make parenting for you an impossible task. You will know in your soul when they are serious about healing and changing their ways for the betterment of not only your coparenting connection but mainly for the child. PEACE takes two. I believe my daughter needs her father but she needs one who is committed to bettering himself as a man and father and unfortunately that isn’t our reality right now.